Motherhood has transformed me + the 1 year shift

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On the topic of motherhood and the shifts that are currently happening for me:

What an eclipse/autumn equinox/full moon season, eh? Anyone else feeling giant shifts happening for them?

My mom is in town visiting and it has been such a blessing to have someone help us with Zoe! What a game changer. I was definitely feeling close to the end of my rope and needing some support. 

Mom to the rescue (of course).

I was feeling like I was losing myself there for a moment. Losing my center and forgetting who I was. I know other mothers have gone through this in their own "maiden to motherhood" transformation and integration of this new self. 

That's been a strong inquiry I've had throughout this journey: the balance between taking care of self and taking care of other (in this case our little one who is now 14 months!)

I had such a strong desire to make sure to be present with her so that we created a secure attachment and she felt safe to express herself and be heard. 

But I had been putting so much pressure on myself to be there for her perfectly that I wasn't leaving room for me. 

Beneath my beautiful desire was a deep rooted fear.

and I'm so grateful to shine a light on it!

The fear motivating me was a fear of Zoe feeling abandoned . I didn't want her to experience the same pain I had felt. 

My mom told me last week that she realized that she disconnected from me around the time I was 1 year old.

I have felt disconnected from her and angry and sad and mad and so many things..

Hard to feel again, but also really important place in my journey to dive into for healing so I don't repeat the same pattern with my own daughter. 

Because I know that feeling safe with Jay and I as her parents creates a framework for how she relates to herself and the world. 

It's interesting because it's not like my mom wasn't there ALL the time, but it's more of an energetic thing than a physical one. 

I didn't feel like there was space for any of my uncomfortable emotions to be acknowledged or understood. 

I, in turn, didn't honor my own emotions and felt unsafe and alone in the world. 

All of these things are learned from how we were treated by and related to by our parents. 

No pressure. 

She had experienced feeling abandoned by her own mother when her mom went to work outside of the home after her dad died. There wasn't presence and space for her emotions to be acknowledged. 

But through her lens of reality, to not repeat the pattern, she thought she needed to be home all the time, not follow her passions or work and set herself aside for us to feel loved and keep us from experiencing the same pain she went through.

I am forgiving everything that wasn't love in how my mom related to me. I know she did the best she could based on what she knew. I also forgive her for not following her own dreams and putting herself last. 

In forgiving her, I set myself free. 

I get to model for Zoe how I want her to treat herself. 

I get to put myself first and bring my dreams to fruition :)

I am choosing to live in the reality that I get to live as a fully expressed human being on the planet AND I get to be an amazing mother to Zoe and beloved partner to Jay. All of these things can live in harmony with one another. 

I don't have to do things from a place of fear anymore. 

I set myself free. 

And that...is where the magic lies. 

Thank you to all of those on this journey of LOVE with me. It’s a powerful time where anything that isn’t love is being called to the surface for healing. And we’re doing it together.

You are not alone.

I love you

Joy